Edgecomb, WA

With the economy in harms way and the obstacles of impending occupancy restrictions, Fire Marshal Bill has began to grant business owners emergency relief.

Any business can ask for an IGR occupancy adjustment to temporarily increase their official number to accommodate the amount of business actually needed to stay afloat.

The public is not afraid to be in public. “The casino (Angels of the Wind) opened up and had a 4 mile line of cars waiting to get in!” explained resident Scott Free. “I don’t want to see more neighbors forced to find jobs at one of the few ‘essential’ big businesses around here.”

Fire Marshal Bill states that if a restaurant was capable of having 100 seats in February, he’ll grant a capacity order for up to 900 for the remaining phases. IGR is Idiot Governor Relief and will effectively counter any restrictions keeping our economy from tanking.

When asked about contact tracing, FMB stated “Let me show ya something…” the rest was hard to decipher over crowd cheering.

A few in the crowd had obviously just come from the secret speakeasy rumored to be operated nearby. With tavern and bar restrictions, socializing on the computer is just not the same.

– mostly satire –